Brexit blokes…the lifeblood of every intimidating pub in the country. Instead of Tom, Dick and Harry we’re looking at John, Dave and Paul, sat chatting about every borderline offensive topic you can think of over a worryingly cheap pint of bitter.
8am – Get woken up by “the wife”:
Dave is woken up by his wife, who is making breakfast for the kids, dressing them, packing lunches, making sure they don’t forget their books, and getting them to school.
Dave takes this time to think about how difficult parenthood is.
He heads downstairs for a coffee, at which point “the wife” comes home. He asks her where they keep the cereal.
9am – Dave pops to the shops
After breakfast it’s off to the local corner shop for a paper, and there’s no mistaking which one. Daily Mail in hand, Dave heads home with the car radio on, getting himself riled up by a Swedish teenager (bloody left snowflake) talking about the dangers of climate change, which is obviously false. Dave spends half an hour droning on at his wife once he gets home. She doesn’t listen.
11am – Scrolling through the WhatsApp group chat
Since it’s his day off, Dave can enjoy a selection of offensive Facebook memes from John and Paul, now they’ve all worked out how to use a phone.
The group chat is a spectacular culmination of masculinity and abuse, and the lads have a good laugh at a video of Paul, hammered, burnt to a crisp, and complaining that no-one spoke English, on his holiday in Benidorm.
1pm – Full English (for £6.88)
The lads meet for a full English at the local spoons. Slatherings of brown sauce and a massive mug of tea, these guys don’t hold back. “The wife” (and the doctor) aren’t there to judge ’em.
2pm – A bit of relaxing telly
Dave gets home, narrowly avoids a nap, and heads straight to GB News to watch Nigel Farage talk about the number of migrants crossing the channel and entering our country, which is obviously already full of foreigners.
Dave watches Nigel approvingly, and mumbles to himself, “If only there were more people like Farage in government. Then we’d keep them out!”
4pm – Collect the kids from school
After a few hours of ‘informing’ himself on current affairs, Dave finally gets off his arse to pick up the kids from school. He drives down the lanes thinking he’s Lewis Hamilton, swearing out of the window of his obnoxiously massive car more than Gordon Ramsey in the kitchen.
When he gets there his two kids hop in the car and natter about their day at school. He’s not really listening because he has places to be – the lads are already back at the pub.
5pm – The pub
Imagine the ugliest looking pub you can. Outdated, grubby carpet, the smell of an 80-year-old lifelong smoker’s house, the works.
There we see a wild flock of Daves, drinking cheap beer and ranting about their wives.
They get through four pints an hour but complain about each one. They reminisce about Margaret Thatcher, and look ahead to the future, when the bloody unions finally stop striking.
The rest of the discussion would be too offensive to even consider.
8pm – Dinner. Made by the wife, obviously.
Dave gets home an hour after he said he would, and tucks into a delicious steak, coupled with a few cans of beer, obviously. Inevitably, he then falls asleep on the sofa, and snores so loudly that the rest of the family can’t hear the telly.
10pm – The wife puts the kids to bed
Dave does fuck all.
11pm – Bedtime
After a long day of hard work, putting the world to rights and eating pork scratchings, Dave drifts off into a lovely sleep.