To many people’s disgust, there is a way of pumping more money into the Tory Party. Buying party merchandise is one of the single-most pointless revenue streams for political parties, because who in their right mind would walk around with Tory merchandise? Anyway, here’s Punching UP’s comprehensive review of what you can buy from the TorIEs’ merchandise shop…
Clothing – 3/10
First of all, there is a silo full of Tory-branded clothing that you can buy on their website. The most expensive of these is a large £45 coat with a small Conservative logo. For £45, the least they could do is print Jacob Rees-Mogg’s face all over it. The staunch Tory customer is hardly getting a bargain.
They also sell a tie for £35 (very on-brand) for all the business people that go about their daily life worrying about how they’re going to afford to maintain their swimming pool. The tie really isn’t that bad, but if you turn up to a wedding or a funeral in a Tory tie, it’ll soon become your funeral…
Now we’re talking: a Margaret Thatcher apron, saying “This food is not for burning”. Whoever came up with that should really be selling out on a worldwide comedy stage show. There are dad jokes, and there are Tory dad jokes.
Now this is a bargain: for £17.50 you could neglect your baby by getting them a Winston Churchill bib. Forcing your baby to wear a Tory bib should lead to ten years in prison. At least let them choose to grow up into a right-wing brute rather than forcing it upon them.
Homeware – 8/10
If wearing some Tory clothes wasn’t enough, how about tarnishing your beautiful home with some Conservative-branded items?
The greatest of all the items in the shop is this mug selection. Why bother with a simple bog-standard mug when you can have one sculpted to be a former Tory Prime Minister? Now, these are all shocking but it’s surprising to see that the potter has managed to make John Major look like a Basset Hound. £29 and worth every penny.
For all you jigsaw enthusiasts out there, you’re all the real winners here, because who wouldn’t want to spend hours putting together a 252-piece jigsaw picturing Boris wearing Brexit boxing gloves? Think of the sense of achievement when you throw it in the bin after wasting your life merging bits of a disgraced, scandalous former Prime Minister together.