Unfortunately, we have to listen to politicians speak a lot in this country. Often many words are said without actually saying anything. But despite the high amount of wasted waffle that comes out of parliament, it must be remembered that MPs and ministers have enormous influence, as can the often lazy language that they use. If anyone needs to remember that, it’s them!

A basic awareness of the connotations of their language is supposedly bread and butter for the elected members, but consistently that awareness is sorely lacking and it’s time for that to come to an end. We need to sort them out somehow, and who better to do it than the most threatening, aggressive enforcer of language around- the Duolingo bird.

Known simply as ‘Duo’, don’t let the cuteness of this little green avian cloud your vision- he will fuck you up if you lose your streak on the language learning. There are over 500 million Duolingo users worldwide, yet no one has ever stepped out of line again once the bird has spoken.

Hence why I think he is the solution to a government littered with lazy insult-laden language. Take the government’s consistently problematic language in reference to immigration in this country, which has now extended to being a part of Sunak’s five pledges as Prime Minister. Just because he & his ministers constantly recite ‘stop the boats’ and ‘economic migrants’ into oblivion does not take away from the phrases’ harmful connotations.

To reduce the situation that many desperate, suffering people go through out of necessity to such a simple blunt rejection suggests a cold-hearted ignorance on the part of the government. If subjected to Duo’s wrath, they could be encouraged to think more compassionately with a dosage of his signature guilt-tripping.

If this fails through a lack of ability to feel empathy in the Tory party, and they continue to use damaging language such as “get on a dingy and go back to France” as ‘30p’ Lee Anderson MP did in one particularly unhinged parliamentary session, then they can be fast tracked to the next stage of the owl’s psychotherapy- subliminal messages that make you question your morality, this time delivered by the owl’s equally intimidating assistants.

If these STILL don’t have the desired effect on their harmful language, then it’s time to go all out. Some may not like it, but when we have recent prime ministers being elected despite using downright Islamophobic language in the past, something needs to change. Then, and only then, the belligerent bird will have no other choice but to resort to his final tactic if this change isn’t seen pronto-

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