Keir Starmer is an incredible man (as in, not credible), his lack of charisma and intrigue makes him the perfect candidate to leech out every single piece of satire imaginable. So, here’s a day in the life of Keir Starmer (according to Punching Up).

8am – Keir is here

At 8am, Keir Starmer rises from glorious sleep wearing his ‘I heart Tony Blair’ pyjamas. He slips out of bed and emerges downstairs with a copy of the Independent and a plain white coffee.

9am – Breakfast

Starmer then preps his routine breakfast consisting of Petits Filous strawberry yoghurt and a bowl of dry shreddies. Milk makes the exquisite dish too interesting for Keir.

Whilst eating, Keir listens to the dulcet tones of BBC Radio 4 whilst he basks in the glory of a faltering Tory government.

A cheeky grin appears on his little face.

10Am – Checks up on his Labour pals’ Whatsapp group

Keir whips out his phone and scrolls through the most boring set of messages until he comes across a maths puzzle that Dianne Abbott sent to them all…

For legal purposes, this is fake – Diane Abbot’s maths skills aren’t faked though: Diane Abbott’s ‘car crash interview on LBC with Nick Ferrari – YouTube
11am – Heads to Parliament

Keir begins on his merry way down to the House of Commons ready to half-heartedly have a go at Rishi Sunak whilst he spouts out some nonsense about “delivering on promises”.

Starmer gets so internally angry that a tiny particle of steam shoots out of his head, yet his face still looks as unbothered and neutral as the default Siri voice.

1pm – Lunchtime

Starmer then heads to his office to open up his lunchbox full of buttered rice cakes. He begins to play Candy Crush Saga and rages at the fact that an intelligent mind like his can’t even get past the tutorial.

Keir then hypes himself up for his afternoon full of absolutely nothing by listening to some white noise.

3pm – Fancy dress Starmer

After seven hours of trying to make himself interesting to the normal human, Keir Starmer descends into a slight state of madness as he begins to dress up as his favourite movie character.

As an impassioned spy film fan, Keir fulfils his fantasy as Starmer…Keir Starmer…

5pm – Hometime

After a long day of jack-shit, Keir Starmer heads home on the train whilst sipping a bottle of sparkling water and then complaining about the bubbles.

Once he gets back to his humble abode, he slips into his tracksuit bottoms and sports t-shirt, ready to join his mates for a good kickabout.

6pm – Five-a-side

Keir joins his pals for a bit of five-a-side and it comes as no surprise that he’s a self-proclaimed ‘box to box’ midfielder, because he can’t decide which side of the pitch to place himself on.

During the game, Starmer fails to score a goal which translates well to his performances at Prime Minister’s Questions.

7pm – Dinner

After he returns from football, Keir then treats himself to a curry and a beer (which is illegal in the Tory rule books apparently), and settles down to watch Countryfile and the Antiques Roadshow.

9pm – evening snack

Following his enthralling television choices, Keir then begins to unwind ready for bed. He tucks into his evening snack as he dips his rich tea biscuit into his glass of milk. As it crumbles, he has visions of the Tories in next year’s general election and yet again lets out a cheeky grin.

10pm – Bedtime

It’s an early night for our future Prime Minister as he slips back into his Tony Blair pyjamas and listens to the sound of his own speeches, which are very effective in helping anyone drift off to a peaceful sleep.

Night night, Keir.

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