If you’re a Tory, it’s very easy to think that you’d manage just fine if you were struggling to pay for basic necessities.

But would this be the case? Here’s Punching Up’s guide to dealing with the cost of living crisis.

Step one: Marry into a family with fortunes of billions

Rishi Sunak and Akshata Murty – “The Prime Minister buys a puppy” by UK Prime Minister is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

This one comes courtesy of our beloved Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. A man that really and truly has no understanding of people with a lower yearly income than Wayne Rooney.

Sunak married Akshata Murty, an heiress to a fortune worth billions of pounds. So if you are struggling during the cost of living crisis, make sure you fall into wealth by marrying the richest heir or heiress that you know, and make sure to become a hedge fund boss whilst you’re at it so you can afford the odd extra pint at the weekend.

Step two: Start a get rich quick scheme

Transport Secretary Grant Shapps Envision Virgin Racing FE” by UK Government is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Its obvious surely? If you want to help pay off those debts just get rich quickly. Grant Shapps, Secretary of State for Energy Security and Net Zero, ran a get rich quick guide. He posted tips and advice on how to make loads of cash as fast as possible. The Independent reported that in such guide Shapps claimed that his advice could help you to make £20,000 in 20 days…bollocks.

He ran the site under the name Michael Green, I mean why in the world would he want to hide such a fantastic scheme?

Step Three: Stop eating cheese sandwiches

Composite: Dylan Oakley

Some fantastic advice here from former Strictly Come Dancing extraordinaire Anne Widdecombe. She famously made a comment regarding the popular lunchtime snack whilst on the BBC’s Politics Live.

Responding to a question about how many people can’t afford the ingredients for a cheese sandwich, she responded by saying: “Well then you don’t do the cheese sandwich”. So essentially, if you can’t afford one just don’t eat one. What caring and loving words from a former MP who has now defected from the Tory Party to Reform UK – A political party set up by our old mate Nigel Farage.

Cost of living crisis solved.

So that’s basically it for dealing with the cost of living. The Tories really have a way with helping those less fortunate in society, how lucky we are to have them running the country.

Remember, next time you fancy a cheese sandwich, just don’t bother…

Read more:

Politicians and Whatsapp- a toxic relationship – Punching Up (shef.ac.uk)

More Tory infighting in the name of Boris Johnson – Punching Up (shef.ac.uk)

A day in the life of… Keir Starmer – Punching Up (shef.ac.uk)