The death of legendary rock ‘n’ roll musician Tina Turner, aged 83, has saddened the world. She sold more than 100 million records worldwide and won 12 Grammy Awards. But there was one thing she never quite managed: becoming UK Prime Minister. Punching Up tells you why she would have been the perfect PM.
1. She was ‘Simply the Best’… at negotiating trade deals
In 2021, Tina Turner sold her entire music catalogue to publishing company BMG for a reported £50 million. If that doesn’t say enough about her ability to haggle for a good price, you should’ve seen her opening up new pork markets after Brexit.
2. She wouldn’t have been the first American-born PM.
“How could she have been PM? She wasn’t even British.”
That’s where you’re wrong. It is true that Tina was born in Tennessee and not Tyneside, but being born in America didn’t stop post-rehab Mr Blobby, Boris Johnson, becoming PM. He was born in the Upper East Side, New York. He could’ve hung out with Biggie, Jay-Z and 50 Cent. Presumably, Johnson’s rapper name would have been something vaguely nonsensical and convoluted like ‘Chamillionaire’ …oh, wait.
Plus, Tina sang the theme for the Bond film ‘GoldenEye’, so she was already a national treasure in the UK.
3. It would have been a welcome break from the ‘Typical Male’ PM
There have only been three female Prime Ministers out of the last 56. Technically, Liz Truss doesn’t count because she was outlasted by a lettuce.
Regardless, Tina Turner was a headstrong woman with iron-clad resilience – standing firm despite facing some very difficult early years. With her intelligence, motivation, and popularity, it’s safe to say she would have outlasted a vegetable (no offence to Liz Truss).
4. “What’s Gove Got to Do With It?”
Honestly, this one was just a pun – and an excuse to watch this:
5. She wouldn’t be the first PM to be involved with a ‘Private Dancer’.
In her 1984 hit ‘Private Dancer’, Tina sings:
I’m your private dancer, a dancer for money
I’ll do what you want me to do
Just a private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do
Meanwhile, former PM Boris Johnson was allegedly bonking American businesswoman Jennifer Arcuri, while getting “private IT lessons” at her flat in Shoreditch. Arcuri had installed a pole-dancer’s pole “as a conversation starter”, she said.
Finally, Tina was never known for a strong love of politics – but what’s love got to do with it?
In her six decades as a performer, Tina Turner displayed more integrity, passion, and charisma than any of our esteemed former PMs ever could. May she rest in peace.