By Charlie Fenton
“A babby’s yed and wet pea please love” is something Rishi Sunak would never say. Just imagine it. You can’t. Well, now you have, and it feels wrong. Rishi lives Northern but breathes Tory. What if he breathed reality like you and I?
In the UK, where inflation is at 10% and rising, climate change is full steam ahead, and you are more likely to see a Boris Johnson dick pic than catch a train, life isn’t equally rugged for us all.
For instance, Rishi Sunak, the UK’s current Prime Minister, has a combined net worth of around £730m. Putting that into perspective, you could buy just over 6 million of Harmony’s premium pleasure toys which couldn’t make as big of a mess as what Rishi and his predecessors have to the UK in the past 13 years.
Rishi also owns four houses totalling £14.m. One of them is within his constituency in Richmond, Yorkshire, which set him back a measly £1.5m. The house, you wonder? It has five bedrooms, a tennis court, and a pool which costs £13,000 a year to heat.
“There is this idea you must have a certain occupation or background to be able to relate to people. I don’t think it should have to be the case in politics,” said Sheffield Conservative Councillor Lewis Chinchen. Well, it’s difficult to agree when watching someone wear £490 Prada loafers to a building site or pose for a pre-budget photo shoot with a £180 mug.
Surely you must have wondered, ‘What if Rishi had to live the lifestyle he pledged to support?’ Ponder no more, slip into this daydream with Richi ‘the normal’ Sunak.
Richi the shelf-stacker
Richi starts the day with his favourite cereal. He then checks his socials, pops on his trainers, and makes his way to Tesco whilst puffing on his strawberry-flavoured vape. His daughter is only 10, yet she vapes too. The corner shop outside of school sells them to the kids in the area regardless of the law, but he doesn’t know. She keeps it under her bed and only vapes during school time. Whilst humming along to Wonderwall by Oasis, he arrives at work right on time.
“Reet Paul, how’s you?” he asks his manager to which he responds, “Good thanks, I’ve got you on tills mate, Suella straight up refused.”
Richi hangs up his jacket and gets straight to work. Arriving at aisle one, he meets his good friend and colleague David Cameron. They studied the same subject at university, Health and Social Care, until Dave got kicked out after allegedly shagging a pig.
“It’s a good job we don’t have’ to pay back our student loans,” said Richi whilst unboxing fajita kits.
“Why mate?” Dave replied.
“I can’t keep up with my bills… I need a second job, thinking of becoming a bricky with Bojo.”
”Well mate, you ain’t the only one in this situation. News said 4 million are thinking the same” said Dave.
Did you know shelf stackers outweigh UK Prime Ministers 120,000 to 1? They would definitely win if they had a massive brawl. One of those fighters would be Olivie Kalejova who stacks shelves at Home Bargains. The 20-year-old law student works weekend shifts to pay for her food as her student loan goes towards her rent.
“I can see him being great on tills, I mean he’s a people pleaser, so the job fits perfectly,” she said. “He’d give you a smile and have a nice short conversation; I think he’d be great.”
She then picked on Rishi’s biggest flaw, his character, saying: “If he wants to be relatable, he needs to stop trying so hard.” It sounds like Rishi needs counselling from someone other than his mum.
Richi visits Wetherspoons
Walking up to the pub, Richi sees a homeless woman sitting outside. As he trundles closer, he’s shocked to realise it’s ex-Prime Minister Liz Truss.
She was begging for money. Richi chucked her a pound as he walked through the door but as she tried to catch it, it fell through her hands.
He looked behind to see her rooting through the bins out front, when out falls a newspaper with her face on the front page. She bursts out crying. She was forced to resign after it was found she had an OnlyFans under the name BDSPM.
“What’s your cheapest, love?” Richi says to the bartender.
“That’s Fosters. Pint?” she says.
Richi doesn’t want to be here, but his house is cold and damp. He can just about afford a weekly shop but has to secretly nip to the food bank to pick up expensive supplies like toilet roll and nappies. It all makes him feel a little down.
He walks over to David and Bojo who are sitting at a wonky, visibly sticky table. He can always rely on these two to cheer him up.
“Remember during lockdown when we threw that party at yours Bojo?” David asked.
“Yeh man, great times, I can’t remember what happened that day,” Bojo replied.
“Well, you got proper pissed right; necked half a bottle of vodka and then snogged Suella.”
“I did,” said Bojo, looking all embarrassed. They were all laughing.
“Ahhh well, I don’t care,” Bojo murmured.
One person who’s served the Richi and Co of the world is Will Spence, who works full-time at a Wetherspoons in Sheffield which many call their local.
“Oooh, I think he’d order a gin and tonic; he’s a bougie guy, “ says the 28-year-old. He then adds whilst wheezing, “I think he would leave a tip, but probably more as compensation to try and get you on his side.” Well, he’s going to have to tip a lot more if he wants to stand a chance at the next election.
A liberal’s view
Unsurprisingly, Sheffield’s only Tory Councillor Lewis Chinchen thinks Rishi is not a nutsack. “I think he’s a very sharp, competent, and talented person and I think we need these people in government, particularly as PM,” said the 23-year-old from Oughtibridge. He was elected in May 2021 as the councillor for the Stocksbridge and Upper Don area.
Cllr Chinchen has never personally met Rishi, but if he did, he said he would congratulate him on his success as the PM, which is kind of cute. He also believes Rishi’s name is cooler than Keir’s which he claims is without bias.
“When times require it, Rishi’s government is on the side of the people in this country, ensuring they have the support to protect their livelihoods, well-being and living standards,” he says.
He then listed some stuff Rishi has provided for the UK like the £150 council tax rebates and £400 payments to households struggling with energy costs, which does show he has been very practical and supportive towards Brits during current torrid times. Yet, the UK still has some of the tallest energy bills in Europe, which Rishi doesn’t need a second job to cover.
On that note, if you are currently looking for a second job, have you thought about becoming Prime Minister? Well, I called Job Centre Plus, the government’s employment agency, to get the full outline but was left feeling rather heartbroken. A 10-minute wait and a polite hello were quickly swapped out for the groan of an ended call. All I asked was a simple question. I think it was my accent.