Jacob Rees-Mogg…the epitome of a distinguished English gentleman from the 1800s, as far up in the class system as Jamie Oliver is up his own arse and one of the most contentious MPs. Here is Punching Up’s day in the life of Jacob Rees-Mogg.
8am – His nanny wakes him up
Jacob’s day kicks off with his traditional morning alarm, his Nanny that has looked after him and his family for over 55 years. He’s clearly less capable of doing basic tasks than a garden chair.
After his nanny wakes him up from a spiffing sleep, the Mogg then slides out of bed wearing pyjamas that wouldn’t look out of place on Ebenezer Scrooge and then heads downstairs to start his day.
9am – Earl grey gets his Earl grey
Traditionally, Jacob Rees-Mogg sips on his cup of Earl Grey tea which is airlifted in by a top hat attached to a walking cane. He takes care not to burn his tongue on his tea…the world would be a better place if his tea prohibited Rees-Mogg from splurging out the most patronising, upper class twaddle as humanly possible. (Not that Rees-Mogg has an ounce of human nature in his blood.)
10am – Checking up on his Chimney Sweep
At 10 o’clock Rees-Mogg takes a cautionary glace under his gargantuan fireplace, filled with tinber looted from the entirety of Winnie the Pooh’s 100 acre wood. He does this to ensure his chimney sweep has clocked in. He rubs his finger along some soot and shakes his head with an accompanying tut and says, “I will be sure to gerrymander him for this insolence when he’s older”.
12Pm – Lunch time in the rees-mogg household
The Mogg takes a shortcut to the downstairs dining room of the mansion by swinging on the chandelier, a move he calls: “the inevitable swoop of the fracking tower”. Nanny puts on quite a delectable spread: roast beef sandwiches, cut into triangles, he insists, or there will be as Robocop says “trouble”.
In need of a new drinking receptacle a quick click of the finger summons Nanny back, as she enters the room he asks her to bring a classic English Breakfast tea to seem more in touch with the underclass. What’s more!? He wants it served in his affably name ‘Jacob Rees-mug’, the mention of which leaves him in a side-splitting mirth.
2pm – British cider for British people
Jacob Rees-Mogg recognises its time for him to undertake some community work for his local constituency, North East Somerset. He goes down to the local cider making brewery and tries his arm with diminishing returns. He comes away with unscathed self esteem when he meets the press though, as he ensures them his post Brexit cider will taste better than any cider before it.
4PM – Breaking GB News
Upon returning home, the Mogg tells Nanny to ready the horse and carriage and implore his noble steeds to head straight for the GB News head broadcasting offices in London. He turns round to his entourage and says these horses could really use a three line whip. The crackling and wheezing that followed threatened to tip the carriage over but a reminder of The Conservative Party polling helped mellow them out.
6PM – Evening banquet
Following his car crash of an appearance on GB News, the Mogg arrogantly bangs his knife and fork on the dinner table in anticipation of what his collection of Michelin star chefs have cooked up for him. (If he isn’t fed properly, he’ll end up looking like Slenderman).
A feast full of roasted rabbit, fried pheasant and hoisin crispy owl. Jacob Rees-Mogg is not disappointed. He then begins to sip his little glass of sherry as he ponders over how all the commoners would be tucking into their Bird’s Eye fish fingers and Findus crispy pancakes. (Other frozen food manufactures are available.)
8PM – Telly time
Jacob Rees-Mogg removes his daytime attire by taking off his suit to reveal a second suit beneath known as his ‘loungewear’. He settles down to watch a film on his chaise-long; he settled on Oliver, yet he calls Nanny to complain about the fact that it has such a moral ending.
He then listens to a loop of the old BBC voice spouting out nonsense for an hour.
10PM – Nanny tucks him into his coffin
After ringing his little bell (*insert ding-a-ling sound effect) to yet again summon his Nanny, the Mogg decides to call it a night.
She asks him if he’s sitting comfortably, he says “no because the poverty levels aren’t high enough yet”.
Following this spout of nonsense, he folds into his coffin and drifts into a sleep once his Nanny has knocked on the door to tell him that he’s still not the Prime Minister.
What a joyous tale this was, goodnight one and all.