By Vincent Lumley Marshall

Are you worried about the constant struggle to survive in the modern-day UK? Does the fear of a cold house with no lights keep you up at night? Well, help is on the way from your government! In a time of global uncertainty that undoubtedly has George Orwell rolling in his grave, it is important to have strong leadership to look to for guidance and hope.

If you’re struggling to eat, keep the lights on, and stay warm, don’t fret. The Conservatives have a foolproof plan to help you survive any crisis you might encounter.

The most important part of survival is food and drink. Usually, these basic human needs can be found at your local supermarket or grocery store, however, in a post-Brexit dystopia, you may find the shelves barren, and what little remains being poisoned by the seemingly incurable ‘inflation’, rendering them completely unsafe for purchasing. Side effects may include debt, lack of money to pay for heating, and a visit from the bailiffs.

Eggs, tomatoes, bread, and worst of all, tea have all been hit! Nothing is safe. However, Thérèse Coffey, our Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has the solution: Turnips. She stated: “A lot of people would be eating turnips right now rather than thinking necessarily about aspects of lettuce and tomatoes and similar”.

So, if you can’t find affordable food you need to survive: eat turnips. Can’t afford the bills? Eat turnips. Can’t get a GP appointment because of strikes? Turnips. Can’t travel because of fuel prices and rail strikes? The answer is always turnips.

Phil Lovemore, who has years of experience preparing for possible disasters spoke about the key areas of surviving any calamity or tragedy. He says, on turnips, “I think that some of the old farming techniques they used to do a clamp, you take root vegetables out of the ground and then you create an earthen mound that has all your root vegetables in it, and then it has a layer of straw around it, and then it has another hard layer of soil and clay around it that then preserves your vegetables for the winter.

“Maybe there should be a stash of turnips somewhere.”

Now, with food covered, you will now need to think about what you can drink. There’s only one ideal spot to scavenge for this, and that’s a little-known place called Downing Street. What you will want to do is wait for the height of a pandemic, then look around for a ‘leaving do’. With any luck, one will be in progress at Number 10. If it’s being hosted by Boris Johnson, even better. There will be lots of alcohol for you to drink, and fun party games to distract you from all the problems around you. These games will include: Never Have I Ever Deserved Public Trust, Lie or Dare, Spin the Bottles of Champagne, Duck, Duck, Duck the Blame, and Pin the Tail on the Donkey That Runs the Government.

What about the following few days? Phil adds, “There’s a critical window of what defines a survivor or a casualty, you have about a 72-hour window of survival. If you can look after yourself for 72 hours in a disaster, your chance of survival goes up dramatically. Make sure you have things as simple as dry clothes, adequate footwear, a torch, a knife, wet weather gear, and a sleeping bag.”

You can get all these components of a survival kit for about £90, which makes surviving a disaster cheaper than a week’s worth of food, heating, electricity, and commuting to work in most regions.

With the basics covered, a shelter upgrade – from wet weather gear and a sleeping bag, to a roof – is in order.

Now, third houses in Mallorca can be very expensive, but Liz Truss has a way around that.

  1. Announce 45bn in unfunded tax cuts for yourself and the very rich.
  2. Panic after causing the pound to drop to its lowest point against the dollar ever.
  3. Blame someone else, ideally a close friend.
  4. Say these exact words: “I’m a fighter, not a quitter.”
  5. Quit.
  6. Claim a significant bonus for being possibly the shittest prime minister in history.
  7. Have enough money to buy a new house.

Simple really, and absolutely fair and possible for all members of the starving and freezing British public. 

However, contrary to what we’ve seen over the last 13 years of Tory leadership, not just anyone can be Prime Minister, so you may need an alternative source of income to help you survive the cold winters.

Akshata Murthy, wife of Rishi Sunak, would point you in the direction of (alleged) tax avoidance. The ultimate way to ensure your survival in a post-apocalyptic economy is to (allegedly) pay £30,000 a year to avoid paying a total of £20m in taxes. This will allow you and your now-PM husband to amass a net worth of an eye-watering £690m, providing you with plenty of money to help you survive any cost-of-living crisis that your political party might cause.

The biggest killer of all in a modern dystopia is criticism. But if you find yourself facing any, keep your cool. There are no similarities between your policies of forcing immigrants to move to other countries in appalling conditions and the rhetoric of 1930s Germany, for instance, even if Gary Lineker says so. After all, we have Suella Braverman’s word that Rwanda is safe, and she’s totally trustworthy. To avoid further controversy, be sure to force the BBC to suspend anyone who criticises you.

When you’re feeling lonely, have an affair. Most catastrophic events will lead to feelings of loneliness, and an excellent way to ensure you never spend a night alone is to try to find a way to employ the person you’re sleeping with. Make sure that you are breaking the laws you enforced as Health Secretary just to hammer home how much of a Han-cock you are. However, be on the lookout for smoke detectors, people can hide all sorts of things in them prompting questions like: “How bad are the pics?” and “How the fuck did anyone photograph that?”

But don’t fret, if you find yourself in this unfortunate circumstance, there are always reality TV shows where you can go to eat insects and play the victim.

But what about the Tories, trying to survive their own mess? Phil says, “I really hope that all these rich and powerful people decide that they’re going to get on a rocket and go somewhere else. I really hope they misjudge it – they think something going to happen, but it doesn’t happen, so they all just fuck off.”

Couldn’t have put it better myself.