The diary of Boris Johnson was keenly expected to be handed over yesterday, but the invisible ink isn’t yet dry, and so the deadline has been extended to Thursday.

So with further tantalising suspense around said diaries and none of our curiosity scratched, Punching up is going to attempt to fill the gaps on Boris Johnson’s diary

Here’s our version of Boris Johnson’s diary:

Dear diary, it’s the 19 June, and you know what that means! It’s my bloody birthday. Carrie says she has a surprise for me, I hope its a model bus. 

Dear diary, it wasn’t a model bus. However, it was a massive fuck off party, so I suppose one must take what one can get.  I know we are meant to all be socially distanced or whatever that scrotum of a man Chris Whitty said, but who can say no to a little birthday jolly. Carrie said she was going to book me to go have a meal with my children but we wouldn’t be able because of the rule of six.

Dear diary, I got a new shirt today and I must say I love John Lewis.

Dear diary, the bald bastard has royally messed up. I mean I have sympathy, getting childcare is such a ball-ache but the trick is if you don’t acknowledge their existence you don’t have to sort it.

Dear diary, I’ll admit- I’m a bit of a sloshy old beetroot as I scribble down today’s jolly tidings. I’ve managed to pull off quite the coupe- a rich cellar stacked full of succulent, juicy grape juice ;);)… and all down in books as ‘necessary for work purposes’. Utter dipshits! A loophole to me is simply the best hole there is, and there are some truly great holes out there. In the morrow we will enjoy our very first ‘wine-time Friday’ and I tell you old friend, I will be getting very fucked up!

Dear Diary, I gave a Covid briefing today ….. I am watching it back now and think I look quite pretty actually.

Dear diary, it’s a beautiful blue day in November, and I must say I’ve never been more glad that the Coronavirus nonsense is over. Today I visited Peppa Pig World and I must say it is very much my kind of place. I mean such excellently safe streets, me and the family had the most wonderful time. 

Here’s a drawing to emphasise the fun we had:

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